"I think too goddamn much.."

I debated on whether or not to put up a section like this for a while, and now I realize it's a necessity if I wanna maintain some fragment of sanity. Keeping it all to myself is a major no-no, it hurts my brain and psyche and some shit like that. I just know it's gotta get out. I no fond of stomach ulcers induced by stress. Yeah. So here's just a little forewarning: If you don't wanna read rants or any thing like that, then turn away now, I neither want to waste your time, nor piss you off for something that you might get offended by or whatever. o.O; Like, my bitching that is. Yeah. So anyways...now I type. This will either go down after a day or two, or if not, I'll learn some html stuff to make it look nicer or something. Enjoy.

4/8/01 Paranoia, chachacha

I can tell you for certain FACT it fucking sucks. The feeling of thinking something is going on behind your back, and you can't do much about it short of catching it and call it on doing that stuff behind yer back. And when ya do call it? What happens? Well for me, not a damn thing. Know what happened? It told me boldfaced that it ws doing that, and it did not intend to stop doing things behind my back. It said that I shouldn't care about it. It's helping me.
Honestly! It's sheer stupidity to even believe that by keeping what I SHOULD know from me, it's HELPING me!! It doesn't understand! It doesn't fucking well understand!!
That old addage, "What they don't know can't hurt 'em" does NOT apply to me!
Why, ya may ask? Because no matter WHAT: I always know.
I always find it out. By being very observant, reading between lines, listening very very carefully and closely to what is said to me, and what is said to others around me. I "keep my eyes and ears open", so to speak. Intuition. By using my BRAIN, fer christ's sake. They don't think I can use my brain? They think I'm that stupid? What did I do to get that?
No, better question: Why does everyone ALWAYS do this to me? Is it just the people I associate with, and am related to? Or is everyone this way? Yes, here's some paranoia for ya: Is everyone out to get me?? Are they all hoping that, in some way, they control me with this? Don't they get it..? If I already know it, then that addage doesn't come into effect. I do know, and therefore it hurts me. It hurts me a helluva lot more by knowin that this is goin on, and no one tells me. I hate it. I sincerely hate it. It does me so little good it's almost immeasureable. It kills me. The people I love are keeping these things concerning me from me, willingly, with no reserve, or thought that I really should know it. I did call some o them on it, and the response I got.. was that I didn't need to know this. It was true, they admit, but when I asked them why, why would they do this? Why not tell me..? I want to know it, I say. They tell me I don't, again that I don't need to know it. Just remember the happy stuff. Remember how much you're loved, how much they care for you, and it's because they do care for you that they do this. You don't need to know the bad stuff. Just forget about it.
I fucking cried. I started to while I was talkin to them, bein told this, but stifled it so they wouldn' know.. but after I got away from them to be by my lonesome, I fuckin cried. Because it hurt. It hurt more that they never told me. It hurt much more because they intended to never tell me. Let me live in this box I've called home for so very long. I can't stand this box. I can't. I want out.
It's madness. I just..don't...get it.
Or maybe I do...
I know that it's gone on for much too long..long enough.. I mean.. it's just slapped onto the pile of other mental bullshit I have wrong with me. A nice mountain of psychosis. With this bull, coupled with depression, you think it's gonna mix well? I'M FUCKIN PARANOID!! Use yer head!!! Think about it! Paranoia + depression = what?? Suffice it to say right now I feel like doing many things, such as punching several more holes in the walls, or attacking the people who're doing this to me, hurting them, putting into physical pain what they do to me emotionally, or just taking a knife or whatever to me and just let fly (hey kiddies! Guess what inspired this pic!! >_<;;) with it. Christ.
I don't know what I could do about it.. they refuse to not tell me, what am I gonna do? Threaten them at gunpoint? Pitch a lil hissy fit at them? What good does that do? They'll not cave, I'm sure. Why bother caving? "Awwww, isn't that so cute, she wants to know what's going on behind her back that concerns her... well I'm so sowwy Manda, I don' wanna do that, because this gives me a great deal of power over you, and I like it! Plus, it's such a hoot n a holler to watch ya squirm n agonize like this! ^_^" harharhar. I think that's why. For whatever reasons all their own, they think that having this eency weency bit of power over me is so righteously important that they simply must have it. It's not power. It's just some petty thing.. because they think they're so much better than me.
I'm sub-standard human to them. Not even, I suspect.
I'm there for a bit of entertainment. To be something to confide in when they're troubled because they know I don't tell other people other folk's shit. To get entertainment by what I draw, or by laughing at a joke or zinger, should I make one, or to be laughed at because I did something stupid, which is more often than naught. I'm there to have someone there for them, just the presence of company. That is all I am. Isn't that right? About the equivelant of a stuffed doll, or some other toy, with mnemonic intellect sometimes.
God, that moon looks so ominous and spooky..I love it..
Sorry. Had to comment on that. Back to point.
I can see this. Very clear-like. To be used, then tossed away when I lose my flavor. I'm not really real. I'm not here. Nobody cares. To be real, someone has to really care, acknowledge my existence as a human being, a living thing, with actual thoughts, actual feelings, the ability to think for myself and have a conscience.
I've been bs'ed so much, sometimes I wonder if the thoughts I have are really mine, or if what I'm doing is of my own free will. I wonder if it's worth all of it in the end. I wonder if there is something very very very wrong with my brain. I've got numerous reasons to think there is.. but ..haha, nobody seems to care. Such a big surprise, isn't that right? I can tell them flat-out that there's something wrong with me, I think I need help. They don't believe me, or just simply ignore me when I say it. So...then what am I supposed to do? Deal with it on my own. And I can't do that. Not in any way that helps. Christ..
God, I could cry, that night sky is so beautiful..
Anyways.. I can see I typed too goddamn much. Time for wrap-up.
At any rate.. I just want to relay this.. It's not wise to keep important stuff about me or concerning me from me.. mainly because I just..already..know.. and it hurts.. more deep than you could probably imagine.
Fer god's sake stop treating me like I'm sub-human.. I AM a human being, I'm real, dammit. I have a brain. I use it. Fucking hell, I'm no less than you are.
I just wanna be treated like I am. -_-;

If you want you can pitch a fit about this to me over AIM/IM/whatever. I'm too fucking sick of Hotmail right now. I send out emails to people, and they email me back asking me if I got their first email! I type out a long, extensive email to someone and they never get it!! It's pissed me off too goddamn much. I'm not gonna bother with most of it. Tag me on IM. That is the absolute best way to get a hold of me, specially to screech at me for ventin a bit. Even if I forewarned at the beginning that you ought not read it if you have something against venting. I'll be happy to point that out. I just thought it'd help me or something. Seeing as how I'm just outta my mind with anger and depressiveness right now.. well it's a step up so I guess it worked.